July 23, 2023
On Medium, there is a collection of stories by people in dead bedrooms. These people have even coined a new one, the dead living room. Here's an excerpt from one of the comments on that article:
"Right now, as I sit in the living room of the house I grew up in, I am reading this and on one hand I don't feel alone; on the other, I feel like I am in a well that I can't get out of. I am desperately trying to find the right words to get my husband to understand our marriage is dead; just like ALL of the rooms in our shared house. I thought staying at my dad's after my mom died 9 months ago would be a clue and ease the blow, but nope; he still acts like everything is ok and I'm just here helping my dad. I feel like I am going to loose my mind if I don't end this 25 year relationship (btw, we have 2 wonderful kids). I have so many hopes and dreams for myself ... Why does he think this is ok? That we are ok? Can anyone give me advice on how to end this? Thank you ML for writing this and helping me find a way out."
Or articles like this one: https://medium.com/hello-love/feeling-dead-inside-the-pain-of-a-sexless-marriage-883641d6a593
I felt so badly for this person. I resonated with this person's pain. Just as with my stupid mother, I would have done anything, absolutely anything for this person. Unfortunately, when the person will not do anything for himself or herself, there's nothing you can do for them.
If my mother isn't willing to accept evidence that there's something wrong with how she acts (seems like if twenty people in a chat room are complaining about you and you're always on time-out, you MIGHT get the message there's something wrong with how you're seeing things and you MIGHT need to do some work), there's nothing I can do but put up with her insufferable behavior ... and it got SO bad there was simply NO upside anymore. None.
(She just sent me a birthday card. Ugh. Does that mean I have to send her one?? NO.)
If I can do it ... this person can do it. Ohhhhh, but he won't. What Would People Say? What Would People Think? What Would People Do?? Ohhhhh, he just KNOWS he's no good. So he can't handle what people who don't understand would do if he did the right thing for himself by dumping someone who acts (in her own way) like my mother.
There's just nothing I can do with or for a person who is like this. For eight years, I've been so, so, so sad it has to be this way and it can't be some other way. I didn't want to be a little old lady just going to work and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the house, when life could have been so much happier. We could have been so much happier.
But, I've learned to accept it. I AM a little old lady, going to work, battling debt, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the house all alone. This is my life. That's it. This wasn't my choice, but I've had to accept it ... so I've accepted it.
You can't do one goddamned thing for a person who won't do anything at all for himself. All the sadness and all the wishing and all the waiting in the world won't change the fortunes of a person who isn't willing to do one goddamned thing for himself.
The trouble with these people is they WILL NOT leave. I waited for mine eight years. I thought the fact that he was still hanging around on my website meant one day he would rethink things. It's even in his fucking transits!!! He could have done it!!!
But, you know? If this isn't proof that astrology doesn't control our fates--WE DO, then nothing is. It doesn't matter what's in your natal chart about what you could have done in or with your life. If you are determined to be a butthead, and keep your head up your ass, and not strive to do better, not just for "other people" but FOR YOURSELF ... YOU CAN.
You can be a goddamned idiot if you so choose ... just like my stupid mother.
And that's what this person has chosen.
There's no point hanging on to a person like this. If you're sleeping with them or seeing them, they will USE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU AND THEN DUMP YOU FOR THE DEAD BEDROOM. Again.
Which is why I am so, so glad I did not sleep with this person or ever see him again. If I had, it would have been the most horrible tug of war and ended so, so much worse. So, so much worse.
Because you can't change a person who will not help himself.
I cared so much about this person. I felt so bad for him. I know why he is the way he is and it just broke my heart. I would have done anything for him, anything. But the sad fact is, there is nothing I can do.
You cannot do anything for a person who WILL NOT LEAVE their shitty marriage.
(Which, incidentally, is why you shouldn't have an affair with them. Why are they having an affair? Because they WILL NOT LEAVE. If they could, they would divorce their shitty spouse already. You know, that one who's good to everyone else and bad to them.)
Now, I understand why all this is. I know what it is to know that person didn’t mean to hurt you, and that they were doing the best they could, and sometimes you just have to give up on people. People have limits.
Well, so do I. He stays ... I go. End of story.
Crying and weeping and hanging on for eight years didn't change anything, no matter that his frequent visits here gave me hope. Now I know there isn't any, and it's time to pack it all away into the past, turn around, and go.
Too bad. Oh, well.
There's nothing sadder than the words, What could have been.
But, I did everything I could. The problem was, I couldn't do anything. One lesson I've had pounded cruelly into me is, You can't alter another person's trajectory through their own problems. Even when you know what they are, you know how to help, and you're frantic to help ... they're on their own timeline, which You. May. Not. Alter.
And that timeline is not one that's going to change in this lifetime.
So, okay. I can't struggle to help these people anymore, because only they can help themselves.
I can't do anything, so I'll go.
Love you. Bye. I just wish you gave a shit about yourself.