Not the Person I Wanted to Be.

The thought occurs that, when a person is doing nothing but lurking on your website online, and you have no words from that person to explain why, you too could “not realize that she was using Derrick for her own ego stroking. She also was deluded into thinking that he could consent, that his “words” weren’t hers,…” If so, what I’ve been doing is a terrible, terrible thing, and I’m sorry. To be sure, when a person’s last stated words to you were “I love you” and then they lurk, repeatedly, for a period of some seven years, even when asked to leave, and when asked to leave their view pattern is mighty strange for a day or so, it really, really does look as if the person is upset, pining, unhappy at home, wants a second chance, or what have you. I did document the evidence, and I think many people, when asked to speculate why, would have that at the top of their list. But hits aren’t words, and you can put any kind of spin on hits you want to. And if you, like me, have a “White Knight” or a “fixer” complex, and a Dream Of How It Could Be that you didn’t want to give up for many, many years, on account of being still a small child in a middle-aged person’s body, you have a vested interest in making things look any way you want them to look. It’s an awful thing to do. Personally, I think it’s overkill to hang about over someone you know is in love with you when you don’t ever want them in your life again in that way, and that most people in that situation would feel uncomfortable, get the fuck out of there, and not hang about where you know you are reminding the person of you every few days. It would seem that just disappearing forever, thus providing proof that you don’t want the person so hopefully they will just forget you and get over you would be the merciful thing to do and that this would be obvious to most reasonable people. But, I’m informed this isn’t the case and that everything I concluded was true was just in my own head. As we can see from the case of Anna Stubblefield, neediness can put very serious delusions into people’s heads. If this was me for the past almost ten years now, then I am very ashamed, and I am very sorry. All I can say is that I am very, very glad I said no when invited to stay in contact with this person. It’s one thing when a contact is one-sided, one person writing and one person reading every few days for years on end. But when contact is in person, all kinds of horrible things can happen. At least this way no one else even knew about it, no one’s life was disrupted, no one was the wiser. His wife’s and his family’s and his own life can just go on undisturbed, as if I never existed. In truth, I never really did. And now, I’m very happy to just go on, not existing. This is over. And it’s a very good thing.