September 19, 2023
Well, it’s time to admit the facts. We last spoke almost six years ago. At that point, this person said he had made his bed and had to lie in it.
That was the end of the relationship. I just didn’t want to accept it.
The person hung about for SIX MORE YEARS. When I figured out it was him, I asked, multiple times, for him to contact me. I had a contact form. At least at one point, he had my email address. He hung around, he read much of what I wrote … but he never, ever contacted me or ever spoke up. I even finally told him to buzz off once. He was gone for a few months, then I called him back courtesy of the “like” feature on photos on Facebook. Nothing doing. This person knew the old website was going down, and hung around just before reading old pages and old blogs. Someone on an Android phone, probably him, showed up here at 3:30 a couple of mornings after this place went up, checking to see if it went up, I guess. But he never came back after that, and he never clicked the blog page. We haven’t even spoken in six years. This is over. So, okay. He chose his family and he wants to lie in it … so, okay. I let this person know over and over and over and over for EIGHT YEARS that if he would be here, I would be here … it just didn’t matter.
So, I’m done. Time to put this person in the rear view mirror and just stop thinking about it. He’s gone forever and ever; I’ll never see or hear from him again; gone is gone. It would be nice to have something that feels like a real life again before I die. I’m likely to be here thirty more years, and living like this sucks. I really have no life at all. I’ve given up on ever making it as a writer, and it doesn’t look like relationships are going to pan out for me. I’m putting out a request to the universe to bring in something new. I don’t care what it is. When I pick things out, they don’t work. A writing career isn’t going to work out, even though I childishly believed in it for thirty years. A relationship with that guy is never going to work out, even though I childishly believed in it for almost twenty-five years. So, I’m done trying to come up with things I think might make me happy and struggling to get them. I’m leaving it up to the universe to see what will work and bring me whatever that is. I’m done trying to choose. If I choose it, it doesn’t work out. So, I have only two stipulations:
1.) It has to be something feasible, something that actually will work out.
2.) It has to be something I’ll like. And that’s it. So, this relationship, such as it was, is over and in the past and gone. It would be nice if the universe would bring in something that would work out for me. So, I’ll be looking out for that, and stop asking for this to work out. This person’s answer has never been anything but no, and no means no. So, it’s time to accept that no and bury this for good. It’s been six years. The guy doesn’t even visit here anymore. A person who does not want me is a person who does not want me. This is very obvious. Why do I want somebody who doesn’t want me or even think about me anymore? Why do I want somebody who’s gone? I don’t. I’m finished. I’m done. Time for the universe to bring me a surprise. I don’t care what it is. Anything is better than the
life existence I have.
So, it’s time for a change. Goodbye, Mark. Your loss. I deserve to be treated much, much better than this, and basically, anyone who leaves me behind deserves what he gets. ON TO WHATEVER’S NEXT!!!!
It would just be nice if something, actually, WERE next. After 55 years of a shitty life like this, it’s doubtful.