July 20, 2023
So, I see this person hasn't come back, and I'm thinking, Well, he just felt sorry for me. He understands I don't need that around here, and if that's all it is, we're done and it's time for me to move on forever, so he's going to stay gone, and I move on forever.
That'd be okay. I don't want somebody hanging around just because they feel sorry for me or because they're checking on me. No, thanks. Who needs that?
Ah, but today's card reading. Supposedly, I hear from this guy in the next 30 days, but it's horrible news. He's still codependent ... still won't move ... still thinks he's made his bed and he has to lie in it.Yep, that would be horrible news. No progress has been made. Knowing what I know now about affair relationships, there's absolutely no way I can allow that. So, if he showed up, and he was still, "I can't leave, my daughter, my in-laws, wah wah wah," that would just be the end. I'd really have to give up, accept this person will never, ever change, and understand there's just no hope here whatsoever.
What are the odds of that?? Pretty damn good, I would imagine.
What are the odds that this person can make the Herculean jump to the kind of decisiveness and will that would make this different? I mean, in order to actually divorce that woman, he would actually have to believe that his own happiness and his own suffering are of such a magnitude that they're actually more important than any painful adjustments that would have to be made by people who have their own homes and their own marriages and their own families and are already happy.
Then he'd have to actually acquire the skills to withstand pressure from these people and wait them out while they adjust.
Doesn't sound like anything this person is capable of doing, and as far as seeking help to learn how? Also something this person isn't comfortable with or capable of doing.
So what are the odds that that card reading would be right on the money--if he even managed to show up?
I just need to be happy with the rest of my life and understand that there's nothing to be done but to leave this person behind in his sickness. I did that with my mother with no problem. She'll never get better either.
But ... my mother treated me like crap. My mother treated me like absolute SHIT. You'll never get that out of her, though, unless she's having a borderline meltdown and screaming about how she hates herself. The rest of the time? She whitewashes the past. Like the time she put on Facebook how SHE paid for everything including these two ovens and a lawn mower.
Um ... that's not how *I* remember it. As *I* remember it, she reached into a pretty decent sum of money we were left after my father passed away and put $10,000 away for me because I was planning on postgraduate school. ($10,000 was not nearly enough to pay for postgraduate school, and we DID have the money, but oh, well.)
Then both their ovens and the lawn mower broke down, and my stepfather wouldn't spend anything to replace them. SHE CAME BACK TO *ME* FOR THAT MONEY.
At the time, even though I knew how badly I was going to need it, I reluctantly decided to give it back--minus $2000 for a used car I was badly going to need since I couldn't live on campus anymore--because ...Ha. Ha. Ha. Get my reasoning: I told myself that if I gave her back the money, at least she would know I loved her.
And look how THAT turned out.
And here she is posting on Facebook that that was HER money, and not one word about the fact that, since I had to borrow even more money for graduate school, and then I had two car accidents and needed two surgeries with no health insurance because my student loan payments were so high, I am still paying for college at 55 and I have NO financial future.
All because I told myself at least she'd know I loved her if I gave her back that money.
I forgot to add, Until I decide to call her on her bullshit with other people, and stop supporting her when she's treating others like crap.
Conversely, this person has never treated me like crap. I read stories about how other "mistresses" were treated, and this person has never done anything of the sort. He never slept with me and then dumped me; he never said callous things that told me I was just being used; he cared (too much) about everyone else's feelings, including mine; he was wonderful company.
He's just a sweet, sweet person, and we could have had a good life.
If only he would DO THE WORK. Which he, like my mother, is just too sick to do.
I don't really believe I'm going to hear from this person in thirty days, or indeed ever again.
But if I did, this is how it would go.
And it's just the saddest, saddest thing.
Can't I just hope I get shortlisted in my contest instead???