September 23, 2023
Well, it really does look like this connection is over. The new website is up, and somebody on an Android phone stopped over a couple of times, but it looks like they only glanced at the front page to see if it was up or not. As far as I know they don’t click on the blogs anymore, and they haven’t been here in over a week. I think this person is gone. It could very well be that they never come back. Not what I get from card readings, but you know, believing what you can see with your own eyes comes first. Nothing is nothing. No relationship is no relationship. I took out the last research I did on our transits one last time. Hmm, turns out I may be very, very glad nothing came back together this year. Methodology: I took the top 30 or so transits for each person for this year, next year, and 2025. Using transit interpretations written by Liz Greene and Robert Hand, I boiled each transit down to a one-sentence summation. Studying these, I noticed that, where I once believed there were only two classifications here, he stays married or he leaves, I now see there are three. I also note how many transits fall in each category. For this year, I see: For him, he goes, he stays, or he’s stuck. There are 34 transits here: 16 for Go, 11 for Stay, and 4 for Stuck.
I notice something interesting in the Stuck pile. Two of these four transits talk about feeling disappointed in romantic life because something ended. Well … he’s still with his wife. That didn’t end. What did end? Well, the website went down. All those old blogs are gone. I don’t know why he doesn’t read this one, but it’s like he drew some kind of line in the sand and decided when the old website went down, that would be it. And I know the old site meant a lot to him because of his view patterns there. I saved some of the blogs I wrote about this, which I may put back up again later. So, this is showing up in our transits for 2023.
I notice something interesting in the Stay pile. Four of these eleven transits talk about making peace with others’ limits where one is. Three talk about learning about enlightened self-interest and being codependent, feeling like you need to leave, but that “other people” are stopping one. (See those words, “being codependent?”) About needing to handle a crisis without blowing up, about having good new ideas but not going overboard.
And, boy, I really notice something interesting in the Go pile. Only a few are about finding your true self and breaking free from blocks. Most of them are about looking for redemption through another person, overreaching what you are currently able to do, using a new relationship to substitute for growth you need to be doing yourself. We’re talking half out of fifteen transits. Because of this weakness, the new relationship could result in humiliation. When compared to the transits coming up in future years, leaving his marriage this year would be done for the wrong reasons, before he was psychologically really ready, and would have a tragic result. So, maybe I’m happy he’s off the radar for now. Maybe it’s better overall. I also have to consider the reading I got where I’m being divinely protected from this person unless and until he’s able to do better.
Meanwhile, my piles are: A huge and terrible disappointment I don’t adjust to well; a huge and terrible adjustment I DO adjust to well; and one where I get the relationship, but it’s a very difficult one along the lines of Be careful what you wish for. Where I don’t adjust well, I’m still trying to be “special” by saving another person. Still looking for a grandiose sense of “specialness” in the world because I wasn’t special to anyone as a child. I was looking for him to save me and he didn’t. I was trying to marry success rather than be it. Where I do adjust well, I don’t get the relationship but I turn my focus elsewhere in life, realizing I have nothing left to lose and need to stop reliving old scripts from my sick family. I have to reevaluate what I used to want, but there’s really no sense of what life will be from this point on. Looking at transits far downstream from the maladjustment pile, that’s a very bad path to be on. I end up still struggling to be some kind of superstar and bitterly disappointed in life at the end. So, I can see what kind of change I need to make now in order not to end my life half-crazy with misery and disappointment. And they say astrology is crap and can’t possibly be useful. So, here before I do the 2024’s, I have to stop and wonder:
1.) ALL these people who say these difficult relationships are just bad and absolutely MUST be moved on from, jettisoned, bad, awful, go find someone else healthy, blah, blah, blah. Every once in a while, it could be that that wasn’t the plan. As we will soon see. However, flexibility is key here for sure.
I don’t want some other person and I don’t want to go through online dating because I just want A Relationship. This person was very special to me and so was my late husband. I knew both of them for years before anything ever happened with either of them. Yeah, if someone else like that happened along, I’d probably date him, and I’d consider him, especially since there’s no guarantee I’d ever see this person again. But all this “Go out and meet someone else” crap? Nah. I’m old and I need to be able to be okay by myself.
Which means actually BEING OKAY BY MYSELF is required. I can’t keep looking back and being so sad that it didn’t happen.
And, yeah, when it started, I WAS looking for someone to finally help me in life the way his wife got help in life. She didn’t even have to work!! And I WAS trying to save someone, because somehow having a savior relationship with another person WORK looked like the Holy Grail to me. (Sick BPD mother, anyone??) And I DID have all these predetermined agendas about how we were going to live and what we were going to do.
And over time (see why this took eight years?) I unlearned all that. I realized why all that was unhealthy and that if I ever saw this person again, this relationship was going to have to go a lot differently than my broken exhausted just-widowed self saw it almost nine years ago, now. I was looking for a helpmate in life like other women get to have, and after a childhood where I had parasites instead of family and bullies instead of friends, I thought I could strongarm someone into giving me a normal life. Now I just look back at the good times I had with my husband, where we were just lying around talking about stuff, working on writing together, or just where we both got home at night and were so glad to see each other, so glad we found each other, so glad we had each other. We’d get up on Sunday mornings and one of us would cook a big breakfast (we took turns) and we’d spend the day eating and watching a movie and talking about our writing and having sex, and I’m just sad this guy and I never got to have that.
Especially since from what he told me, he really could have used it.
2.) Running an infidelity pub on Medium, I’m often confronted with bitter betrayeds who write me ugly things out of their pain. And I get it, I really do, but a certain percentage of those people are being asked to take a look at their marriages and discover something else besides Look what THIS PERSON DID TO ME, I’ll never recover.
If I could look at their charts, would I see the same split I have, between handling a disappointment well and poorly, and the same ultimate outcome in the life? I suspect I would.
This is getting long. I’m doing the 2024-2025’s in the next post.